overactive thoughts

I'm to the point that I often get lost in my thoughts. Another year has gone by and my life seems like it has not changed. I suppose thats not the most surprising thing in the world but then last night while I was working and the world was sleeping I came to the realization that I have changed, not by leaps and bounds but some.
I have been single for a little over a year now. I think I hate it. Now I have no desire to go back to my ex. In fact, I still don't like the sight of him but that is beside the point I suppose. In the past year I have figured out what I want. It's not that I didn't know before but after the last guy, I needed to figure out what was important to me. I was duped. and I guess to this day that is why I'm still off a year after the relationship ended. I don't like being tricked or lied to and I was. I guess the thing that makes it bad for me is that now that we are over, no one else has fell for his lies, and that is not because of a lack of trying. I guess I just need to move on, something to work on this year.
My mind often gets stuck on the thought of being single for the rest of my life. I think I'm going to turn in to an old marm, when I know this is an overreaction. I don't to meet someone after I graduate and move. It's not really what I have been playing in my head for all this time. I know it will happen when it is supposed to but I'm losing my mind thinking about it to much.
I guess now that I'm off work and settled in for bed I should close my eyes and let sleep drown out my thoughts.

new direction

Do you ever wake up in the morning and think, 'what have I been doing?'. Lately i have been thinking that. I need to get my act together. I feel so directionless. Part of that may come from the fact that I have no job here in athens, which i feel so... useless. I know I'm in school but I could be working, because I am running low on money and time i can waste doing nothing. I find that my identity is wrapped up in what I'm doing and just being a student is not what I'm quite accustom to. I guess that has been my big thing now. I need to reinvent myself.

College Age Lessons

In college we are told to find who we are and make memories. But the ironic thing is we become who we think people want us to be. We become the party animal, the good girl, the sex addict, and the list goes on. But I find that most of the time that the person we are really is not who we act like. We want to make friends so we become the thing that makes friends. Here in athens, most of the time that is the party animal. Then we come to the make memories part of college. And the problem to me is that if you party and drink all the time you are less likely to remember what you did. I was driving back from campus the other day and I just thought that people, often times girls, drink and do thing that they wouldn't have done if that weren't drinking. Then a cycle begins you drink and then you sleep with a guy and then you end up drinking to forget what happend. College is a place to find yourself but then it can be just as easy to lose yourself. Make friends that care about you for you and date people who love you the way you are.

Striking moments

Leaving Ohio makes me realize more that I hate the state that is Ohio. I know for sure it has little to nothing to offer me other than my family and a few friends. Some people never leave the state they they were born in. I cannot be that person because I really can't do much in my degree field in Ohio. Last time I checked I need to be in Nashville, New York, or LA. And I thank God everyday becuse that gets me out of good 'ol Ohio.

Tender subjects

Not that a can change the past but do you wish we could? I often times say I wouldn't change things about my past but then most of the time there is normally a reason I wouldn't have done what I did. Some things if I would have known the outcome I would not have done them. We all have those things. I know that we are made in to the people we are because of the things that happened to us and this is true... But my one things would take me from a bitter old hag back to my old happy self....
Yet.. Life happens.. And we learn to make the best if it!

Thoughts in Boxes

I look at my room and kylie would be happier with it now its clean besides the few things I need to sell or to use until I leave. I dislike the bearness of my walls. I have found things around my room that remind me of when I though of things differently. Back when I was in love with him. Before I found out he was all a lie. I have worked past things to do with him but seeing my feelings written down on paper just brings the feelings of anger rushing back.

I have been thinging about the past and this time last year I had a boy friend and my best friends were still intact. Funny how things can change. But to me I am better without both. I never would have thought in the middle of my friendship with her but its a painful truth. It's not as if she made me do or say bad things but she wasn't ever what I thought she was. We all have friends like that. They hurt us with out a second thought and move on. If I saw her today, I would hug her and tell her I still care but I'm beyond done with her. I can see that not going over very well and yet after 10 or so years of being friends, I don't care, the exchange would be more for me than her.

Then we come to dating. I have made some stupid choices in the past in the area of guys. I wish I knew better. Thinking of this makes me upset just because it sucks. I think I know someone and I fall for them and the next thing I know they are nothing like what they once had shown me they were. This is when I kick myself. I get to the place where good things don't happen anymore in the relationship. I then end it to save myself, knowing that if I don't get out I never will. I hate that part, breaking someone's heart sucks I can't think of many things that suck worse. And yet it ends. I have figured out that I fix the guy for the next girl. One night during a breakdown I told my mom that I want to be the girl that gets the unbroken guy for once. This has yet to happend but there is still time.

It's time to move on and learn from all the crap. Time to box up the thoughts and memories and move on.

Losing a Friend

Summer isn't over yet and I still feel like I'm losing my friends. Everyone is going their own way. Starting over in a sence. I sometimes get the feeling of bailing and leaving early as well. I know that everyone has their time and mine is coming. I just want more time with my friends. It seems for most of my current friends, being with them a year is not enough. Almost two years ago I started working at walmart and made some of my best friends. I'm thinking about them now and know that some of them are leaving and moving on with our lives. I guess I'm having that sad nostalgic feeling that I should have felt in high school, now. I guess because I never left, I never felt like this.

So here's to spending what time I have left here in town with the people I love most and making lots of memories!

Thoughts of laughter

I sit here up later than I should be. I was looking at all the people getting married, engaged, and other love covered events and I keep thinking about being alone. Half of the time when I get like than I don't quite know what to do with myself. I wonder if I'm ever going to be happy and in love. I just get the feeling that I'm going to have to wait and try harder. I fear I'll become the girls from He's just not that in to you. I don't want to misread the signs any more. I'm sick of thinking someone has feelings for me and then it turns out he doesn't and never did. I sick of this and I want to cry.

I guess thats really it.... more later I suppose... I'm going to bed...

Lost in Translation

Lost in Translastion is maybe one of the worst movies I have ever seen. But the title is one that can discribe everyday living. I think that during the day we can be lost in translation. At times we all lose the meaning of the message being sent. I think that sometimes the very people who can send a confusing message can be the very people that should care the most about us.

Friends are a confusing matter. I think if the people I care most about and they are my friends. I feel like in the past year I have put my heart out in more than one way. First with my friends. I came to a point after high school where I grew away from my friends from high school very quickly. It was almost as if they were then and then they were gone within a few days. One friend was someone who knew me in a way that most people didn't. Then things were lost in translation and things went sour. This is not something that's different now. Only it's not the end of a friendship it just changes things.

Relationships suck. and talking about things with a person you are dating is sometimes where things get lost. who you are, who you want to be, and hopes and dreams. It seems like we try sometimes to have things get lost in translation so we can hide who we really are. I have had that happen to recently.

So here's to not being lost in translation...