Tender subjects

Not that a can change the past but do you wish we could? I often times say I wouldn't change things about my past but then most of the time there is normally a reason I wouldn't have done what I did. Some things if I would have known the outcome I would not have done them. We all have those things. I know that we are made in to the people we are because of the things that happened to us and this is true... But my one things would take me from a bitter old hag back to my old happy self....
Yet.. Life happens.. And we learn to make the best if it!

Thoughts in Boxes

I look at my room and kylie would be happier with it now its clean besides the few things I need to sell or to use until I leave. I dislike the bearness of my walls. I have found things around my room that remind me of when I though of things differently. Back when I was in love with him. Before I found out he was all a lie. I have worked past things to do with him but seeing my feelings written down on paper just brings the feelings of anger rushing back.

I have been thinging about the past and this time last year I had a boy friend and my best friends were still intact. Funny how things can change. But to me I am better without both. I never would have thought in the middle of my friendship with her but its a painful truth. It's not as if she made me do or say bad things but she wasn't ever what I thought she was. We all have friends like that. They hurt us with out a second thought and move on. If I saw her today, I would hug her and tell her I still care but I'm beyond done with her. I can see that not going over very well and yet after 10 or so years of being friends, I don't care, the exchange would be more for me than her.

Then we come to dating. I have made some stupid choices in the past in the area of guys. I wish I knew better. Thinking of this makes me upset just because it sucks. I think I know someone and I fall for them and the next thing I know they are nothing like what they once had shown me they were. This is when I kick myself. I get to the place where good things don't happen anymore in the relationship. I then end it to save myself, knowing that if I don't get out I never will. I hate that part, breaking someone's heart sucks I can't think of many things that suck worse. And yet it ends. I have figured out that I fix the guy for the next girl. One night during a breakdown I told my mom that I want to be the girl that gets the unbroken guy for once. This has yet to happend but there is still time.

It's time to move on and learn from all the crap. Time to box up the thoughts and memories and move on.

Losing a Friend

Summer isn't over yet and I still feel like I'm losing my friends. Everyone is going their own way. Starting over in a sence. I sometimes get the feeling of bailing and leaving early as well. I know that everyone has their time and mine is coming. I just want more time with my friends. It seems for most of my current friends, being with them a year is not enough. Almost two years ago I started working at walmart and made some of my best friends. I'm thinking about them now and know that some of them are leaving and moving on with our lives. I guess I'm having that sad nostalgic feeling that I should have felt in high school, now. I guess because I never left, I never felt like this.

So here's to spending what time I have left here in town with the people I love most and making lots of memories!

Thoughts of laughter

I sit here up later than I should be. I was looking at all the people getting married, engaged, and other love covered events and I keep thinking about being alone. Half of the time when I get like than I don't quite know what to do with myself. I wonder if I'm ever going to be happy and in love. I just get the feeling that I'm going to have to wait and try harder. I fear I'll become the girls from He's just not that in to you. I don't want to misread the signs any more. I'm sick of thinking someone has feelings for me and then it turns out he doesn't and never did. I sick of this and I want to cry.

I guess thats really it.... more later I suppose... I'm going to bed...

Lost in Translation

Lost in Translastion is maybe one of the worst movies I have ever seen. But the title is one that can discribe everyday living. I think that during the day we can be lost in translation. At times we all lose the meaning of the message being sent. I think that sometimes the very people who can send a confusing message can be the very people that should care the most about us.

Friends are a confusing matter. I think if the people I care most about and they are my friends. I feel like in the past year I have put my heart out in more than one way. First with my friends. I came to a point after high school where I grew away from my friends from high school very quickly. It was almost as if they were then and then they were gone within a few days. One friend was someone who knew me in a way that most people didn't. Then things were lost in translation and things went sour. This is not something that's different now. Only it's not the end of a friendship it just changes things.

Relationships suck. and talking about things with a person you are dating is sometimes where things get lost. who you are, who you want to be, and hopes and dreams. It seems like we try sometimes to have things get lost in translation so we can hide who we really are. I have had that happen to recently.

So here's to not being lost in translation...