Late evenings and Bright mornings

I miss sleeping like a normal person. I'm awake at three am and I can't sleep because its day time in my world and my mind is running a thousand miles an hour. Once again my life is changing and I sometimes dont know what to do with my self. I can't help but think that I'm doing something wrong. I guess in order to get things off my chest I want to take time and write a few things here. I was told to list about the good things about myself and then make a list of the things I wanted to fix. I dont need to put this out there but I doubt anyone is reading this and I guess it will be a reality check if someone does. Here goes nothing

Good things:
I can cook like a beast
Baking is one of my strong suits
I love people
I mother my friends because I love them
I'm funny
I can take a joke
I have a good work ethic
I'm driven
I AM a great mixing engineer
I'm friendly and out going
I'm starting to be confident singer

Fixer up List:
I once was a confident person, I am not.
Looks: For me NOT to get a man
Music
Grades
new job
figuring out life after graduation
not babying my friends
thinking about things that are important and not blowing them off (mostly my family)

I'm sure these lists will grow and change. ugh new beginnings.

Erin

wrong assumptions

Sometimes I wonder i I give people to much credit. In the past for years all I can think is people suck. I guess that is part of life but maybe people should... well grow up. At the age of 21, yes we are still able to have fun and be in school but we want to be treated like  adults, yet most of us don't act like it. Our generation tends to be selfish and self-centered. I fall in to this at times, and no I dont say all this because I think I'm perfect but I do say this because it saddens me. Some say most of us will grow up and realize that we are selfish beings and we, well, suck.

unseen beauty

I find that some of the most beautiful things in the world are flawed. I can't put a finger on it but I find them better then a perfect creation. People can be made perfect in todays world and I'm happy to find a few beautifully imperfect people. I can't help the way I feel.

I see you for you. You may never see this unless i let you. People act differently around you because of your imperfections, I barely see them. I know you aren't defined by what you are but who you are. I'm blessed to know you. I can barely think of you without being happy. I dont know what to say sometimes, and I'm not one to be at a loss for words. You turned my world on it's side. I didn't plan on you changing me like this. I don't know what the future holds I just know I want you to be in it, even if its just as my best friend.

unknown realizations

I have been thinking about the future and it's frightening. I was talking to a friend of mine and he just graduated and he is working at minimum wage job. In a year and 6 months I will be graduating. I'm so excited, and yet scared out of my mind. I have taken out loans this year and I will be next year and soon after graduation all of us have to start paying them back. I'm scared mostly because i have heard that it's hard to get a job in my field. I want to be able to get a decent job and not be totally poor and have to live with my parents. I know that is what everyone wants but still. I'm sure everyone is feeling the same but I had to but it out there.  

overactive thoughts

I'm to the point that I often get lost in my thoughts. Another year has gone by and my life seems like it has not changed. I suppose thats not the most surprising thing in the world but then last night while I was working and the world was sleeping I came to the realization that I have changed, not by leaps and bounds but some.
I have been single for a little over a year now. I think I hate it. Now I have no desire to go back to my ex. In fact, I still don't like the sight of him but that is beside the point I suppose. In the past year I have figured out what I want. It's not that I didn't know before but after the last guy, I needed to figure out what was important to me. I was duped. and I guess to this day that is why I'm still off a year after the relationship ended. I don't like being tricked or lied to and I was. I guess the thing that makes it bad for me is that now that we are over, no one else has fell for his lies, and that is not because of a lack of trying. I guess I just need to move on, something to work on this year.
My mind often gets stuck on the thought of being single for the rest of my life. I think I'm going to turn in to an old marm, when I know this is an overreaction. I don't to meet someone after I graduate and move. It's not really what I have been playing in my head for all this time. I know it will happen when it is supposed to but I'm losing my mind thinking about it to much.
I guess now that I'm off work and settled in for bed I should close my eyes and let sleep drown out my thoughts.

new direction

Do you ever wake up in the morning and think, 'what have I been doing?'. Lately i have been thinking that. I need to get my act together. I feel so directionless. Part of that may come from the fact that I have no job here in athens, which i feel so... useless. I know I'm in school but I could be working, because I am running low on money and time i can waste doing nothing. I find that my identity is wrapped up in what I'm doing and just being a student is not what I'm quite accustom to. I guess that has been my big thing now. I need to reinvent myself.

College Age Lessons

In college we are told to find who we are and make memories. But the ironic thing is we become who we think people want us to be. We become the party animal, the good girl, the sex addict, and the list goes on. But I find that most of the time that the person we are really is not who we act like. We want to make friends so we become the thing that makes friends. Here in athens, most of the time that is the party animal. Then we come to the make memories part of college. And the problem to me is that if you party and drink all the time you are less likely to remember what you did. I was driving back from campus the other day and I just thought that people, often times girls, drink and do thing that they wouldn't have done if that weren't drinking. Then a cycle begins you drink and then you sleep with a guy and then you end up drinking to forget what happend. College is a place to find yourself but then it can be just as easy to lose yourself. Make friends that care about you for you and date people who love you the way you are.